You got to know when to hold em. You got to know when to scold em. You got to know when to walk. You got to know when to run…
I was reading today about teaching/mentoring/problem-solving methods and one area of a chapter in the book, “Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow” was about how our adult responses to the problems and challenges that we encounter are influenced by the way our parents treated us in these situations when we were children.
Did they rush in to help us solve the problem and do everything for us?
Did they help where needed, but stand back and let us figure it out on our own?
Or did they neglect us all together?
Each of these patterns sends a message to the children and the way the child developed a response to their parents response may still be a pattern that is going on in their adult life to some degree.
If the parents rushed in to help and did everything for the kid because they could solve the problem and do it quickly and not mess it up, then the kid was left without the opportunity to mess up and know how deal with the creative process or trial-and-error process of solving some problems. The underlying message also sent here is “you aren’t good/talented/capable enough to solve your own problems”.
If the kid buys into this, then they may continue ending up in situations with this dynamic by placing themselves into jobs that they are overqualified for, or relationships, or such (in order to rationalizing treating themselves like they are not good enough in response to the silent message recieved earlier.)
*Note though that blaming the parents is useless to the resolution of the problem, because the kid actually had to agree with the parents, even if they were lying to themselves or settling for substandard treatment, and say “yes, I can not handle this myself, you are correct, I can not handle this problem.”
Giving the kids a chance to do it on their own assumes that they are capable enough to handle the issue and if the parent helps when help is needed, then this helps to encourage both self-assured reliance and teamwork.
On the other side of the spectrum, if the kid is ignored or told to go away, then the kid may end up with the pattern of thinking that they are not worthy in some way to get the attention and help of their parents and this pattern can continue on into adult life in some form or another.
The adult may find themselves in relationships or jobs where they are always trying to please others that cannot be pleased. As kids they agreed with the hidden or not-so-hidden message that the they were a problem and the adult in question was beyond reproach, when actually, it was the adult who had an issue that they themselves were unwilling to deal with. So the lie continues in another relationship later on where the now-adult finds a partner or friend or boss who has problems that they pretend to be beyond but actually are afraid to confront, and the now-adult puts themselves below their companion and tries desperately to be good enough for the other person. (That they really should just blow off.)
This patterning need not occur at childhood to develop.
It happens all the time with people who are elderly, disabled, mentally imbalanced, etc.
I know a lot of people who treat older people like they are incapable of doing so many things that they are still capable of doing, and some times the older person conforms to the assumption that they are indeed as lame as other people make them out to be, which then in turn tends lead to further lameness.
Granted, some older people DO need help from time to time, as do kids. It is good to learn how much help to give, and how much help to not give, and when.
If you assume that the other person can handle the problem or significant portions of the problem by their own salt, or at least until proven otherwise, then it will ensure fostering self-reliance and this is good for them and you.